I have lost so many of my close friends or bestfriends in a year………..I thought it was my fault that i am not good enough but thinking about it gives me anxiety, more anxiety and more. Some are gone because they get what they wanted from me, some are toxic that before i cut them……they cut me off its like an off and on cycle……So it was really my fault? I dont think so
Maybe I forgot to standup for myself, maybe i am really not good enough to provide them with comfort they need. Whatever it is, the reality still stinks, its hard to even imagine my life without them,,,,,,,but I have to move on, I cant take that shit anymore.😔
I have been thinking a while about these concept but I never get the answer which gives me pleasure. But on a daily basics when small activites occurs which makes me smile even just for a moment………thats love. The urge to see someone smile, or the urge to enjoy in rain or drink cold coffee…..all comes under love. And i guess that is enough! Sometimes it can be overwhelming as we are getting what we deserve, but time its exactly what is made for ‘you’.😋
I was down for so long….and cant think of any positvity whatsoever. I thought what if I express gratitude through blog with some of the cute silly things I did or achieve…. 30 things I am greatfull for (or trying to) 1. Heightened senses or Self- awarness. 2. Able to express various emotions such as fear and lonileness. 3. Being able to eat healthy and do cardio or yoga at my own pace. 4. Able to ask for help. 5. Good body & posture. 6. Increased stamina and flexibilty of body even for shorter period of time. 7. Completed 20+ followers on my page… 8. Smiling through pain. 9. Done advance asans. 10. Able to love but not recive . 11. How to compliment others. 12. Self-care or adopting Skin care. 13. Reading books. 14. Helping others. 15. Reflecting towards my shadow self. 16. Learning new things. 17. Have a goal or vision. 18. Trying to aploize myself 19. Loving the idea of “Indoor plants”. 20. Acting like a child in order to heal, or learn. 21. Crying. 22. Listening to songs 23. Listening to hearbeat…wow 24. Finding my puppy is no longer a small puppy, he grows up. 25. Establishing healthy boundries. 26. Focusing on vision. 27. Having faith. 28. No longer need someone to love me. 29. Painting my nails. 30. I am alive.
Selfless, Selfish, Selfless! Its hard to decide which side to go…….I always wanted good for me growth, happiness,,,,,,,but i thought the only way to actually get is by being selfless removing the I, me term from my dictionary. Peace is within myself,’I am whom I wanted to be’ period, why I am getting self obessed? Why I cant be selfless?
My mother always tell me that if you give to others, you will get more than what you gave, Now its making alot of sense this relasation gave me hope and courage, most importanly some questions – One day, I will also be a mother, will I be selfish? – I want to be a teacher, will i be partial towards my students? – Because of a failure, Should i give up?
Now, I know where i am standing……….just where my ex is standing. A selfish, terrified, hopeless and broken girl. I wanna be Selfless and that makes me more of who I am and how a lady should be and behave. Selfless in simple terms means caring about others more than our own needs and I guess thats the best way to heal.
I tried to be a healer and thought that i would always be a healer, a superwoman who does great stuffs to save the world. A remarkable life, i am living since 1 year and I am not proud of it as I am losing myself each day in a process and it feels like I am back to my old depressed self again. I know that I deserve better but still being healer, taking negative energies of others via online or offline, becomes my job. I cant do this anymore,
‘FINDING A WAY TO FIT INTO THE WORLD IS WORSE WE CAN DO TO OURSELF’ .
I wanna be me, from the starting So why i have to heal others first? I know i have everything in my life (god grace) So why i have to think that someone would be there for me? Maybe for sucking my energy. I gain energy, feel good and give others a chance to suck it, And as a healer I would heal myself again and it repeats.
Now, I would do something that makes me feel alive again……..I wish. I deserve so much better. I cant be a healer, I Cant be a superwoman but I can be me:) and Its enough……more than. The Self confidence and Saying No is my new mantra for life.
Life is full of surprises as well as nothing sometimes…… the right kind of life is lead only when we have ‘purpose’, the sense of obligation, the need and desire. When we lack purpose in our life, it feels empty and worthless. I am guilty too of not following my heart to actually see what I can explore and become, but i cant go back in past and change it. Purpose then it leads to passion to follow and the hardwork and luck leads to the destiny…….opps not to mention more destines.
Finding purpose all of a sudden is not in our hands, it is unexpected. The more I stare towards blank wall to elaborate about my purpose, the more I look stupid! Opps, not anymore. Passion, the things we feel passinate about and drives us crazy while doing it is termed as passion (yes, i am getting better at this). Likewise, I went on a lunch today as I was rejected by friends just for meetup, so instead of waiting for someone to make me feel happy or anything, I went alone. Omg i enjoyed alot, whole meal just for me…….so purpose was treating myself and passion was what and where to eat. My mind is also getting better in this…..omg yes. The feeling in our heart that we have something to acheive is worth trying or doing, lets face it! My new goal will be to make my life more interesting……..yessses
Recently gone on a function after a long time because of corona, and there I saw a guy and I smiled, he also smiled and it continues....but then i stopped and return home with no regret of having him in my arms. I liked it that actually somebody smiled with an intensity, with a great eye contact, no fear of judgement but I wasnt ready; my inner voice told me no, its better to be alone rather than being with fake company or being in a relationship that only exist in our mind. I wasnt ready to love someone it doesnt means I cant love him. I wanted to give myself an oppournity to love me enough if it is just for a while. I am tired of choosing every guy thats in front of me and ending up in a pain of 'What if' or 'I wish'! This time the fear of losing myself in the process was much stronger than trying again. It doesnt matter what had happened in the past or what new tomorrow can bring, it just matters that the present was actually decided by me at that time. I want to be me. That also realizes me that i am made up of those whom i loved no matter what, that cracks in the heart makes me whole and stronger.
Vulnerability, is an strong emotion and desire we all poses. Vulnerable state tells alot about the person, if he or she chooses to show to the world or keep it hidden has it will make them weak or despo (desperate). Either way they are right,
We show vulnerability at various stages of life with or without consiousness: -When someone special left us -When we are finiacially broke -When we have a got to become a mother or father. -The Happiness state -When we have sex -Special occasions -Being in a trauma – Or little moments of our lives
The desire to keep it hidden is far worse than letting it out and be at a moment. We never know as we express it fully and being vulnerable, it will make you a stronger person and it shows that you are a human being. As sometimes it happens that we are so hopeless and feels like its not the right time to be vulnerable because of what we are going through and what the others might think, guess what thats when you should show your side and feel light, it is just a matter of time. You will never be the same again and those around you as well. My desire was to I should let it out because it feels so worse to keep it hidden but I just cant. The little voice tells me to say it, say it and let it out with tears, I might never be the same again. Thats called VULNERABILITY