I have lost so many of my close friends or bestfriends in a year………..I thought it was my fault that i am not good enough but thinking about it gives me anxiety, more anxiety and more. Some are gone because they get what they wanted from me, some are toxic that before i cut them……they cut me off its like an off and on cycle……So it was really my fault? I dont think so
Maybe I forgot to standup for myself, maybe i am really not good enough to provide them with comfort they need. Whatever it is, the reality still stinks, its hard to even imagine my life without them,,,,,,,but I have to move on, I cant take that shit anymore.😔
I was down for so long….and cant think of any positvity whatsoever. I thought what if I express gratitude through blog with some of the cute silly things I did or achieve….
30 things I am greatfull for (or trying to)
1. Heightened senses or Self- awarness.
2. Able to express various emotions such as fear and lonileness.
3. Being able to eat healthy and do cardio or yoga at my own pace.
4. Able to ask for help.
5. Good body & posture.
6. Increased stamina and flexibilty of body even for shorter period of time.
7. Completed 20+ followers on my page…
8. Smiling through pain.
9. Done advance asans.
10. Able to love but not recive .
11. How to compliment others.
12. Self-care or adopting Skin care.
13. Reading books.
14. Helping others.
15. Reflecting towards my shadow self.
16. Learning new things.
17. Have a goal or vision.
18. Trying to aploize myself
19. Loving the idea of “Indoor plants”.
20. Acting like a child in order to heal, or learn.
22. Listening to songs
23. Listening to hearbeat…wow
24. Finding my puppy is no longer a small puppy, he grows up.
25. Establishing healthy boundries.
26. Focusing on vision.
27. Having faith.
28. No longer need someone to love me.
29. Painting my nails.
30. I am alive.
Once upon a time, there was a beautiful girl and a handsome boy, their eyes met and chasing starts by a boy and finally he found his everlasting love and they got married.......Is this a reality?, I dont think so
Okie lets try one more time, Once upon a time boy meets a girl, and both liked each other but girl starts to obses over him, chasing starts and as we know boys dont like to be chased, they are the one who chooses that one special girl over everyone. But the hot and cold behaviour continues....oh no now story ends with he was a bastard who brokes her heart! The end
Thats the two version of love we believe from very ancient times, the only thing that was true is the feeling of love either felt by one or both, other than that everything is entirely baseless how?
/ There is no way first sight love happens, as we meet with tons of people throughout the day,
/ Happy ending rarely exist, until we are also prepared to dive into relation and make it into reality.
/ It requires time and effort to bloom the love into forever.
/ We love the idea of chase and happy ending, more than a journey itself!
Wake up from a sleep and know that true love exist, either in a form of temporary feelings or long lasting effort done by both partners.
As a saying goes by, 'Everything happens for a reason either its a blessing or a lesson'.
If you find yourself that you dont know how to love or being cheated on, guess what its not the right time for you, let it go! Thats way you give yourself the oppournity to love yourself more, those broken parts who are asking for love from another person, just give your love, the desire and your smile. That would be enough
What is love?
Love is a feeling in our heart which grows with time, if we keep feeding it together to make it last. Its warm touch, crazy butterfly inside, anxiety at the starting and familarity as we go on! Right confidence to carry out ourseleves and if the another one falls, to carry them in our arms and say 'fuck you, I am here'. Experssing love daily or suddenly and feeling gratitude in our heart, that this person is mine. (I am crying, I didnt knew this, I know its not the right time for me) I always express my gratitude towards Jim kwik (my teacher) and thats why my love for him is still alive in my heart and I guess it will.... forever.
Owning confidence to say no and yes when needed, is the way to find and keep love forever, if it happens.
Toxic personalities, dual personalities, mask on, fake peoples or etc etc name. You will say it seems like every person, not every trust me who knows how to handle themseleves or others, is a person we can trust! Others, please stay away.
Types of Toxic People:
1. Rapist: This kind of people are good at nothing, as they have sexual agenda, low self confidence and manipulators. Why I named it like this? Because they deserve this name.
2. Emotional suckers or vampires: This type of people know when to cry to gain attention and laugh when they are alone, beacuse they have acheived something. Or just cant tolerate others.
3. Egoistic: These are the ones who create drama and never feel guilty because they are always right.
4. Ladies/gentelman: They dress up modernly and they dont have time to talk to us.
5. Agenda motives: As a name suggest, they need something.
6. Attention seekers: They never look for real friends or something, they only want so called attention
7. All in one: they posses two or more qualities to go with…….they need hope
1. Ghosting: The act of slowly cutting ties with a person without blocking…..aka ignorance and then blaming that you were wrong.
2. Trolling: They will troll to suck your energy out, as they dont have anything to do in their life.
3. Online Rapist
4. The dual facade as we cant see who they are in real life.
5.The one who always comments, my mother is dying, give her the support
6. Sexual Manipulators 7. Watches netflix only
The list goes on and on,,,,,,,, I have to research less about ‘toxicity’ and more about ‘Self-care’! Sigh
Recently gone on a function after a long time because of corona, and there I saw a guy and I smiled, he also smiled and it continues....but then i stopped and return home with no regret of having him in my arms.
I liked it that actually somebody smiled with an intensity, with a great eye contact, no fear of judgement but I wasnt ready; my inner voice told me no, its better to be alone rather than being with fake company or being in a relationship that only exist in our mind. I wasnt ready to love someone it doesnt means I cant love him. I wanted to give myself an oppournity to love me enough if it is just for a while. I am tired of choosing every guy thats in front of me and ending up in a pain of 'What if' or 'I wish'! This time the fear of losing myself in the process was much stronger than trying again.
It doesnt matter what had happened in the past or what new tomorrow can bring, it just matters that the present was actually decided by me at that time. I want to be me.
That also realizes me that i am made up of those whom i loved no matter what, that cracks in the heart makes me whole and stronger.