Recently gone on a function after a long time because of corona, and there I saw a guy and I smiled, he also smiled and it continues....but then i stopped and return home with no regret of having him in my arms.
I liked it that actually somebody smiled with an intensity, with a great eye contact, no fear of judgement but I wasnt ready; my inner voice told me no, its better to be alone rather than being with fake company or being in a relationship that only exist in our mind. I wasnt ready to love someone it doesnt means I cant love him. I wanted to give myself an oppournity to love me enough if it is just for a while. I am tired of choosing every guy thats in front of me and ending up in a pain of 'What if' or 'I wish'! This time the fear of losing myself in the process was much stronger than trying again.
It doesnt matter what had happened in the past or what new tomorrow can bring, it just matters that the present was actually decided by me at that time. I want to be me.
That also realizes me that i am made up of those whom i loved no matter what, that cracks in the heart makes me whole and stronger.